insomnia.

it's not exactly insomnia, it's just for some particular reason, it's this one night that i can't sleep. i've decided to stay awake until i have to get ready for school in the morning anyway. might as well blog :)

i was lying down on my bed a few days ago, staring at the lightbulb on my ceiling fan (it's okay, i didn't blind myself or anything since it was one of those soft-light bulbs) i thought about the intricate workings, how carefully the wires had to be placed and how if one component didn't work, the entire lightbulb itself wouldn't light up. i started thinking about my faith, and everyone else's, about how we have to work so hard to understand what faith is and we take such a long time building it up, but it is so fragile if we don't build a strong foundation first that, like a lightbulb, it can shatter easily.

someone once told me that it's so easy to love darkness. it's so easy to throw everything else out the window, and leave faith and hope and the idea of a higher power behind. and i'll have to say that i agree with that statement. there are times when i feel like giving up or pushing god away, and it is in those times that i see my faith as a mere lightbulb.

my interview for the terry scholarship today didn't go as planned. i was completely distraught after it was over, and i mean, you'd think that after you're done with the interview, you'd be happy that it is over. but for me, that just wasn't the case. i didn't feel as if my story was compelling or if my answers were as justifiable as i thought they were. i stuttered and i stammered, and i made so many mistakes when i was speaking. the questions they asked weren't even extremely difficult, but the types of questions that no one really wants to answer because they don't know what they want. but alright, the point is that the lady sitting across from me gave me the meanest glares. and they were all wearing suits. that was intimidating.

i didn't feel exactly up to par walking out of that interview room. i looked around at the other applicants, and thought of how the 32 of us all were in different situations, perhaps some that i can't comprehend, and we all needed the money. we all needed help. we all were nervous. walking out of that room, i thought of how they wouldn't choose me. i wouldn't choose me. the 32 finalists would be cut down to the lucky 16. i thought of how there's other people who need it more than i do, amazing, intelligent, wonderful people who probably did a lot better in their interview than i did.

i worried, i shed a tear in the car. mom said of course i got it, but i mean, she has to say that because she's my mom. i imagined receiving the letter from the terry foundation, reading it, and it would start out "We regret to inform you ... "

i worry. i wonder what's going to happen if i don't get this? i thought of how different my life would be with it. i thought of how different my life would be without it. i felt pressure; pressure of all that is riding on me. i don't want my mom to pay for my college. she said that no matter what happens, i'm going to be able to go to school. if anything, i want to be able to stand on my own, so mom could have a better life. she shouldn't have to carry me as a burden. what will happen to us? after everything that's happened in my life ... will i be okay? will i stand on my own? i worry about not having enough, that god will probably leave me because there's 325748372649 other people he needs to take care of.

did You hear my prayer at all? i asked jesus to be with me in that room. i wanted him to be right next to me. i asked for wisdom, but i wonder if it was too much. i wondered why i was there in the first place, and the only way that i would get the scholarship now is by a miracle. by divine intervention.

i'll admit it; i've been crying for a little bit since i came home about two hours ago. i kneeled down on the floor, and covered my face. i realized that i worry too much. like everyone else ... i worry. why? if god is on my side ... if jesus is always next to me ... why should i worry? i should not be looking at my troubles, but rather looking to god. my bible pages are crinkled now from my dried-up tears. i see that sometimes, i'm foolish. i'm silly and i let little things get to me. i am not living life one day at a time, but instead am waiting for something better to come along in the future. this is not the way. because i realize that my worrying shows just how much i understand about god. this shows that i have so much to learn. my lack of faith gets me right back to where i started. god will not ignore those who depend on him, rather he will bless them. god cares even for the sparrows, he loves them and takes care of their every need. are we not far more valuable to god?

we are so valuable that God sent his only son to die for us. who am i to think that god will forsake me? there are threats, there are difficult trials in my life. following Jesus does not mean an easy, worry-free life. it is a constant struggle every day. i should put my effort in one day at a time, instead of working only for the future. but am i not merely one person, one snowflake in this crazy blizzard?

everyone's a snowflake. whether i receive this scholarship or not ... i have to place my trust in the lord. it sounds cliche, but either way, money or no money, there will always be challenges, dangers, and opportunities. no matter what, god provides. God saves. where would i be today without him?

my name may or may not be on the list of terry scholars, but my name is written in the book of life.

you know that saying that god never gives you more than you can handle?

the more burdens that i bear, the more i find peace in him, and the stronger i become through christ. so you know what? bring on the challenges and the dangers and the opportunites. perhaps the lightbulb is turning into a burning flame.

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