i am a voter.

i feel different after voting. that sounds really, really cliche, but it's true. i never thought about how important it was or how much of an impact one person really can have.

i recently got into a car accident, and also am currently struggling with school, while having no money and i just turned 18. and i always thought i was okay, that i was just fine with the way i was but God is revealing more and more of who i really am inside. it's really ugly, i mean, really uncomfortable and hurtful to see these ways and these desires that were always hidden. people see me as a little nice christian girl and fail to see me as a person.

and i realize that what i've been praying for is the very thing that i don't want to see. that's why God is showing me little by little everyday ... it takes so much strength and perseverance to become the woman of God i want to be. and the problem is that we all want life to be easy, to be comfortable .... to be effortless. but if loving were easy, it wouldn't be love.

i'm very tired and sick of the way i can be sometimes. two sides of me are at war right now ... and it seems endless. but someone told me that before every victory, there is a battle ...

God is telling me to step up.

that's exactly what i'm going to do.

this is not my writing; this is from karen's facebook.

please take your time to read all of this! it most definitely spoke to me.

“'I know all the things you do, that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish that you were one or the other!.. ..But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth...''

(Revelations 3:15-16)

Maybe for some it might sound harsh, but if you really look at the context of what he's saying, you might understand. Take this analogy...

It's your wedding day, you're excited to be with the one you love forever! Once the vows are said, and the marriage begins, it's exciting in the beginning. But as the months progress, you realize your mate has grown used to you or a better word: comfortable. There's no more romance. There's not that awestruck look in their eyes when they see you. There's not that huge smile when you walk through the door. There's not those random calls to say I love you. It's as if they are there, but not REALLY there. Sometimes you wish you could ask them, 'I know you're with me, but you're not expressing your love. I wish you could either change, or just get out of my life, because it's too painful just being married to you, without YOU.'

We all want commitment, but commitment without passion, without fire, and without love is almost like being trapped -- being handcuffed to someone you can't stand, but it's for life.

Well, when you met Jesus, you made a lifelong covenant with him, a promise that you would be with him forever. That day you decided to accept Him into your heart, was the day he had always been waiting for. He thinks to himself, 'I can't wait to be with this person, to love them, bless them, give them hope and be there for them when it's hard, and when it's happy. I'm so fully 100% commited to them.' And in the beginning you say, 'Yes Lord, what will I do without you! I love you!' But suddenly distractions come -- boyfriends/girlfriends, friendships, school, work, stress, fear, disappointments... and that love you once had soon becomes a bond that you tolerate but are not passionate about.

'Yes I'm a Christian, but that's where it ends. There's no fire, no passion, no zeal -- there's just the title.'

But I encourage you today -- be HOT for the Lord. Let that fire for him NEVER die, just like you would never want a marriage to fail. You would never want your husband/wife to get USED to you, but rather everyday strive to make the relationship better than it was the last. The biggest insult we can ever make to our Lord is to get comfortable with Him, neglect Him, and think 'Yeah I'll be passionate for Him ....one day.... i'll make my life right.' No, do it NOW, because you're not guaranteed tomorrow. Commit yourself, ALL OF YOU, to the one who gave You ALL of Him!! And you will have the most amazing, exciting, and fulfilling life, I promise!

i've realized ...

i am extremely blessed. prayer is powerful.

so ... i should be getting ready to leave to pick up my friend, but oh well. i just got back from a bible study at the college which was really good, even though it was only 6 of us. but the girl said that most of the people weren't there this week, so i look forward to meeting new brothers and sisters in Christ next week.

i've really been .... pulled down? i mean, i feel so empty hanging out with the people i meet at college. so what i'm trying to say is this: He is all i think about. and the more i hang out with these girls who root their identity in shopping and partying, the more i realized the only thing, the only person worth rooting my identity in is Jesus. and i know this sounds so crazy to people who haven't accepted Christ in their hearts. but the thing is that when you fall in love, crazy amazing love - everything changes.

i don't desire to go out and drink and dress a certain way for attention from guys. i don't desire to shop until i drop. i don't desire to be someone i'm not in order to fit in with the world.

and when they're sort of just talking about shopping and going out to movies, i'm sitting there thinking that there's more than that. it's such a simple but powerful thought. and there are these organizations i would like to be involved in, but they say "that's too spiritual and deep for me" or brand me as a religious fanatic. but we all know there is a difference between religion and a relationship, but explaining this to someone is difficult for me. they are coming from a completely different mindset, and i find myself in my room crying and praying for these girls that i don't even know.

i like talking about Christ. about God. about life. i'm concerned about what's real, what's the truth, and what matters. i like talking about people, and why we are the way we are, about our minds. these are the things that matter to me.

i've been thanking God every single day for the people in my life. i'm thankful to know those people that help me in my walk with God.

....i really don't know where i'm going with this blog. i guess it's just a blurb i had to get off my mind :P my bad for the randomness.

back again.

i will most definitely continue blogging; just let me finish bio homework and all the meetings i have to go to tonight. i like college so far. but anyway, in the meantime, here are some things i've been reading that i know that God has been speaking to me through. i pray that you will see that He is speaking to you through these words also.



"Worry wastes time and produces nothing, while seeking God and His kingdom is always a worthwhile activity that will banish trivial worries and provide us with whatever we need."

"Seek not great things for yourselves in this world, for if your garments be too long, they will make you stumble; and one staff helps a man in his journey, when many in his hands at once hinders him." - William Bridge

"Law tells me how crooked I am; grace comes along and straightens me out." - D.L. Moody

"What about you? What do you want to be remembered for? Your obsession with your own appearance and weight or your passion to love and serve others? Do you want to spend your life looking into mirrors, distracted by your own reflection and how your looks compare to others, or do you want to invest your life looking beyond yourself and into a world of people who need to experience the love of God through you?"

"Remember, Jesus said we are to love others as we love ourselves. Therefore, to truly, love others the way God wants us to, we must start with the person we see looking back at us in the mirror each morning. Shoot for that perfect balance somewhere between the extremes of hatred and vanity. Adopt an attitude that says 'I love myself because God made me, and I'm growing more beautiful by the day because I'm becoming more like Jesus.' By making friends with the mirror and moving on to more important concerns, you'll reflect a much deeper beauty than any movie star or model, and you will discover a purpose to your life that brings much greater joy than some magic number on the scale."

"A woman's heart should be hidden in Christ, so that a man must be seeking the Lord to find it."

"People--even some well-meaning Christians-have a hard time accepting grace. They can't believe they don't have to add something to God's work. So they set up rules and regulations: 'You have to do this, or you aren't a Christian.' 'You don't really love God unless you do that.' ... God doesn't want you to be afraid, to worry if you've dotted all the i's and crossed all the t's that will let you enter heaven. No, He loves you, so He gave you a free gift, no strings attached. Enjoy that gift today."




Father, show me how I can tell others about Your mighty works and pass on the faith I treasure. You know what I am capable of, and I do want to help.

my thoughts at 3 AM.

why am i awake at this time? well, you see, i had this dream, my best friend was asking me all these questions about being a christian. my dreams never ever ever make any sense, and some of the questions were somewhat nonsense, while others really made me think. "can you tell me what you really believe, (kind of like don't beat around the bush anymore i guess) because i want to know how many times i should pray my rosary?" (she used to be catholic) "do you think i'm wrong if i do this?" and "how good or bad of a christian do you think i am?" i gave her answers in my dreams, but the last question must have really hit me or something because i woke up because of it.

i didn't have any problem waking up. it's like this full burst of energy took over my body, and i began having a whole train of thoughts. and i thought, "oh man, better type this stuff down in my blogger." lol.

when she asked me the rosary question, i thought it didn't make any sense at all. but as i kept on looking at it, i thought that that's the way that a lot of people look at God. they still think it's necessary to do a certain prayer however many times a day or do so-and-so a set number on these specific days. take a second look -- that's not what God is about. i don't believe God will smite you for not saying your rosary however many times you're supposed to say it. the thing i really love about God is that you don't have to repeat the same thing to Him everyday. you can say everything and anything, or simply say nothing - i mean, He knows what's going on in your head, He doesn't want to hear the exact same words everyday.

"do you think i'm wrong if i do this?" ... i started thinking about judging. how some people say "oh, i never judge." and "it is wrong to judge." but i think .... the thing is that we all judge, and it's something that we can't exactly run away from. let's say you and a friend are sitting on a bench, people-watching, and your friend makes a comment that this person is so-and-so because of the clothes he wears. you say "don't judge!" but, aren't you judging someone for judging someone else? and if you ask someone if murdering is good, i doubt you will find someone who will say yes. i believe that we can't stop moral judgements. we have a right to believe what is right and what is wrong. because, ya know, there's a good and bad in this world.

"how good or bad of a christian do you think i am?" i was going to say "oh, well i can't judge you" but that's weak, something everyone would say, and i don't know if i exactly believe it. as time went on, lying in my bed, staring at the blank ceiling, i wondered whether or not we really should be judging each other. if someone does something bad or wrong, i should tell them, right?

for some reason, something more important hit me - we are so busy comparing ourselves to others. what clothes we wear, how we style our hair, (now i see where we get the idea of "beauty")-- even our ideas of faith and living for Christ. we even hold up movie stars because they are so "beautiful" by the world's standards, that we forget where true beauty comes from. by comparing, we're so worked up about what we don 't have, that we don't realize what we do have. we're so focused on what other people think that we forget about what God thinks.

we shouldn't look to others to see who's a better christian or a better person. don't compare with each other, but rather compare yourself with Scripture.

kuya says there are immoral people who claim to follow Christ while there are good people who don't claim to have Christ. i believe to be good or to be bad is one thing; but to give your life to Christ is another.

... i like the thoughts that sprout from dreams.

summer.

summer is here! finally. i kinda want to just have this summer to learn more about Christ and read up on a lot of books. i know that since i'm going to be going off to college soon, my faith will be challenged. i also have been working out, learning tagalog, playing guitar, piano, and drinking chamomile tea before bed. it feels so good to just relax and talk to God throughout my day. all i want is more and more of Christ - nothing else seems to matter anymore. He's all i think about.

the point is that i am so blessed to know Jesus. it's just an everlasting peace that's indescribable - i wouldn't have it any other way. ahh, sometimes i still feel like a small child when i talk like this.

most teenagers complain about how bored they are and that they have nothing to do at all and life just sucks. but to me, there's always something. there's always something to do. should we not enjoy life instead of worrying about everything? i read somewhere in the bible, i forgot which book and chapter, but it said "who shall add another hour unto his life by worrying?"

i believe that the past is history, the future is a mystery, and the present is a gift - that's why it's called the present. Enjoy it.

i stole that line from Kung Fu Panda.

soon to be grad.

i held the form in my hands, scanning it quickly ...

"Your favorite memory.
Your most embarrassing moment.
Your best friends."

i just held it, ready to press the pen against the paper, but i really had absolutely nothing to fill in the blanks. i am soon to be graduating now, and the whole time i had spent at academy, i was consciously aware that i wasn't creating memories with people in my graduating class. i sometimes feel like i really really really don't belong, because there was everyone else who had known each other their whole lives. that's something that a military kid never has: a life growing up in one hometown with the same people.

i feel very out of place whenever we have class meetings or class photos or class fundraisers. but it's not really something that i want people to have pity on me for, because it's just that kind of thing that i always push aside. honestly? deep down, sometimes ... it gets to me. i get tired of just standing there quietly. i'm not shy, i'm quiet. there's a difference.

i always thought that not getting close to anyone was easier, but it's not. i have a past that i still don't let anyone know about. it's hard for me. there are some places in my heart, so dark and deep that i don't let people through. because there are those places in our hearts that only God can go.

while i feel like we should love each other and take care of each other, i myself am not open to people. i've lost faith in man; i don't expect much of anyone anymore. and then again, why should i expect people to open up to me if i don't open up to them?

for some reason, it always stays hidden in my heart:
i feel guilty everyday for what i've done to him.


God, simply put, i know i shouldn't live with this guilt. i've been holding onto this, because i always feel like it's my burden to bear. i ask you for the patience, the will, the strength to finally come upon that day that i can let this go.

insomnia.

it's not exactly insomnia, it's just for some particular reason, it's this one night that i can't sleep. i've decided to stay awake until i have to get ready for school in the morning anyway. might as well blog :)

i was lying down on my bed a few days ago, staring at the lightbulb on my ceiling fan (it's okay, i didn't blind myself or anything since it was one of those soft-light bulbs) i thought about the intricate workings, how carefully the wires had to be placed and how if one component didn't work, the entire lightbulb itself wouldn't light up. i started thinking about my faith, and everyone else's, about how we have to work so hard to understand what faith is and we take such a long time building it up, but it is so fragile if we don't build a strong foundation first that, like a lightbulb, it can shatter easily.

someone once told me that it's so easy to love darkness. it's so easy to throw everything else out the window, and leave faith and hope and the idea of a higher power behind. and i'll have to say that i agree with that statement. there are times when i feel like giving up or pushing god away, and it is in those times that i see my faith as a mere lightbulb.

my interview for the terry scholarship today didn't go as planned. i was completely distraught after it was over, and i mean, you'd think that after you're done with the interview, you'd be happy that it is over. but for me, that just wasn't the case. i didn't feel as if my story was compelling or if my answers were as justifiable as i thought they were. i stuttered and i stammered, and i made so many mistakes when i was speaking. the questions they asked weren't even extremely difficult, but the types of questions that no one really wants to answer because they don't know what they want. but alright, the point is that the lady sitting across from me gave me the meanest glares. and they were all wearing suits. that was intimidating.

i didn't feel exactly up to par walking out of that interview room. i looked around at the other applicants, and thought of how the 32 of us all were in different situations, perhaps some that i can't comprehend, and we all needed the money. we all needed help. we all were nervous. walking out of that room, i thought of how they wouldn't choose me. i wouldn't choose me. the 32 finalists would be cut down to the lucky 16. i thought of how there's other people who need it more than i do, amazing, intelligent, wonderful people who probably did a lot better in their interview than i did.

i worried, i shed a tear in the car. mom said of course i got it, but i mean, she has to say that because she's my mom. i imagined receiving the letter from the terry foundation, reading it, and it would start out "We regret to inform you ... "

i worry. i wonder what's going to happen if i don't get this? i thought of how different my life would be with it. i thought of how different my life would be without it. i felt pressure; pressure of all that is riding on me. i don't want my mom to pay for my college. she said that no matter what happens, i'm going to be able to go to school. if anything, i want to be able to stand on my own, so mom could have a better life. she shouldn't have to carry me as a burden. what will happen to us? after everything that's happened in my life ... will i be okay? will i stand on my own? i worry about not having enough, that god will probably leave me because there's 325748372649 other people he needs to take care of.

did You hear my prayer at all? i asked jesus to be with me in that room. i wanted him to be right next to me. i asked for wisdom, but i wonder if it was too much. i wondered why i was there in the first place, and the only way that i would get the scholarship now is by a miracle. by divine intervention.

i'll admit it; i've been crying for a little bit since i came home about two hours ago. i kneeled down on the floor, and covered my face. i realized that i worry too much. like everyone else ... i worry. why? if god is on my side ... if jesus is always next to me ... why should i worry? i should not be looking at my troubles, but rather looking to god. my bible pages are crinkled now from my dried-up tears. i see that sometimes, i'm foolish. i'm silly and i let little things get to me. i am not living life one day at a time, but instead am waiting for something better to come along in the future. this is not the way. because i realize that my worrying shows just how much i understand about god. this shows that i have so much to learn. my lack of faith gets me right back to where i started. god will not ignore those who depend on him, rather he will bless them. god cares even for the sparrows, he loves them and takes care of their every need. are we not far more valuable to god?

we are so valuable that God sent his only son to die for us. who am i to think that god will forsake me? there are threats, there are difficult trials in my life. following Jesus does not mean an easy, worry-free life. it is a constant struggle every day. i should put my effort in one day at a time, instead of working only for the future. but am i not merely one person, one snowflake in this crazy blizzard?

everyone's a snowflake. whether i receive this scholarship or not ... i have to place my trust in the lord. it sounds cliche, but either way, money or no money, there will always be challenges, dangers, and opportunities. no matter what, god provides. God saves. where would i be today without him?

my name may or may not be on the list of terry scholars, but my name is written in the book of life.

you know that saying that god never gives you more than you can handle?

the more burdens that i bear, the more i find peace in him, and the stronger i become through christ. so you know what? bring on the challenges and the dangers and the opportunites. perhaps the lightbulb is turning into a burning flame.

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please leave a comment. =] thanks.

finally.

alright. i actually created a blog for meself. let me tweak it first. :)

meanwhile, take a look at the gorgeous orlando bloom.