soon to be grad.

i held the form in my hands, scanning it quickly ...

"Your favorite memory.
Your most embarrassing moment.
Your best friends."

i just held it, ready to press the pen against the paper, but i really had absolutely nothing to fill in the blanks. i am soon to be graduating now, and the whole time i had spent at academy, i was consciously aware that i wasn't creating memories with people in my graduating class. i sometimes feel like i really really really don't belong, because there was everyone else who had known each other their whole lives. that's something that a military kid never has: a life growing up in one hometown with the same people.

i feel very out of place whenever we have class meetings or class photos or class fundraisers. but it's not really something that i want people to have pity on me for, because it's just that kind of thing that i always push aside. honestly? deep down, sometimes ... it gets to me. i get tired of just standing there quietly. i'm not shy, i'm quiet. there's a difference.

i always thought that not getting close to anyone was easier, but it's not. i have a past that i still don't let anyone know about. it's hard for me. there are some places in my heart, so dark and deep that i don't let people through. because there are those places in our hearts that only God can go.

while i feel like we should love each other and take care of each other, i myself am not open to people. i've lost faith in man; i don't expect much of anyone anymore. and then again, why should i expect people to open up to me if i don't open up to them?

for some reason, it always stays hidden in my heart:
i feel guilty everyday for what i've done to him.


God, simply put, i know i shouldn't live with this guilt. i've been holding onto this, because i always feel like it's my burden to bear. i ask you for the patience, the will, the strength to finally come upon that day that i can let this go.